Ghost

Yesterday I was a ghost

Trailing up and down the halls

In and out of rooms in a house I never lived in

And as I passed my day in my own home, with my own family

Noone even suspected the wraith they were interacting with

In-between the past and present

Existing in the walls of life

I don’t belong anywhere

But that was yesterday

Today I am here, today I can make myself present

Today I am redeemed and I remember that I am yours

You called me by name and pulled me from the darkness

I belong with you

Don’t let me dissappear inside myself. Please.

Don’t let me fade away

I would rather die with you

Than be that living ghost again

Posted in Blue, depression, God, healing, Lost, Past, Poetry, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Ineffable

That little boy could not fit the ocean in his hole dug in the sand

But, what if instead of trying to fill a hole, we became like the beach

Allowing that tide of truth and beauty to rush in and out over us

And what is meant to permeate will permeate based on our own permeability

And the rest will recede back into the vastness

Only to return again and again in its own time

We cannot hold on to the unfathomable truth of all

But in our submission, it will wash over us

And for that moment, we will sparkle and shine in the ineffable beauty

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Indelible

As it was my right as mother

To relinquish all my rights to Our Father

I laid you out like loaves, 1, 2, 3, 4, at the foot of the cross

Down at the alter

What was given to me, despite my wretched iniquity

Given back as so many of those women before me had done

And each of you was marked for Him

For His purposes, to serve as He would see fit

Indelible

You are marked

You were one thing-as I was-and now you are another

Remade into the light

And those who seek to destroy the light may now seek to destroy the light in you

Evil may seek you out, darkness may pursue you

But the darkness cannot overcome the light and evil will not take you

Because The One to whom you now belong has already overcome

And He has triumphed over all evil, darkness, death, and the world.

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The pine tree

How easily you give yourself to me

Breaking away in my hands like shale

Housing a universe within your layers

Sharing your life within and without

Passing your breath to me as I pass mine to you

Cyclical

Inspiration to expiration

We are made respiratory counterparts

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Thoughts of Sofia

I dropped you off at school today

We conversed on the way about imposter syndrome and the implications

I went off about my past employers and other such folk who seemed to deride a certain pleasure in feeding off of insecurities

Maybe I went on excessively, because you asked how long I planned on talking

I have a habit of soapboxing I suppose

We pulled up to the school and you let yourself out

I watched you walk away and resisted the temptation to shout out an embarrassing “Bye Sofia!!!”

Your introverted self would have been mortified

As I drove back home I found I was starting to sob. I caught myself because one must see to drive safely

I choked back those burning tears that had come rushing out with my sudden surge of emotion

You see, I was just thinking about how beautiful you are.  Your mind, your lovely compassionate soul, and your sweet little twelve year old, going on 20 face.

Turned up nose, cupie doll mouth, and dark blue eyes.

Only you don’t know it. You probably never will. I tell you sometimes anyways. I will continue to do so

I don’t want you to be conceited or anything like that

I just want you to realize all this beauty you possess- to never doubt the wonder of your precious femininity and inherent worth

I want you to understand that such beauty is a gift

And gift that it is, it must be given and shared

Reciprocated simply by living in gratitude and loving others

Recognizing and respecting the gift that also dwells within them

I want you to understand that there are those that will despise such beauty

And that you must never allow this gift to be disguised as something it is not or shut away by those who recognize it for what it is, but covet it  and seek to pervert it to something else instead

You see, if you cannot first recognize your own beauty, you cannot protect it and you cannot help others recognize and protect their own

I suppose all parents may feel this way. And without a doubt, I know Our Lord must too

How God must glory in the beauty of his creation

And how he must mourn at its degradation

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Reconciliation

I am sorry for those who never knew the want for tear

Who never yearned to make the long rips and ignite the nest of debris surrounding them

To set the world ( as we know it) aflame and walk away

Never even turning around to watch it burn

I am sorry

Sorry if it seems so frightening now

I don’t want you to be scared

And I would give you peace

As for myself

It has been a time of static brumation

And realizations late in life

For one who was always slower than most

Discovering that such unhealthy longings were tied in (like cancer round an organ) to something true and good

And of course it took The Great Surgeon to lovingly, expertly, start to separate the two

And He did, and He does

And now I know that even deep in my own depravity-there was gift

For though I feel the labor pains of this lost world

And suffer in watching my brothers and sisters double over in pain

Subjects to the painful contractions of the earth our bodies are tied to

I can also smile through the suffer, I can dance through the hurt

Because I know my true mother

Because I know my soul’s home

And I have spent a lifetime longing for the purge

And even as this world begins to fade and pass away

Curling in at the edges

Like an old photograph in the flames

The veil shimmers and I can see the rosy glow of that new life to come

From without, from within, shed this life, we shed this skin

After the burn, we will begin

The reconciliation of ourselves

Back to Him

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For my grandmother

Beverly

You could be in fields of flowers endlessly

Where quietly you found your peace while the world’s wars waged on

Bit by bit, like falling leaves-the prejudice, the petty things

Old hurts and pride just dropped away as you prepared to meet your king

That little girl

So lost and scared

That grew up with her cross to bear

Became a woman, a wife, a mother

With much more to protect

Beverly

You loved so fierce

A hurricane across the sea

A love like that has casualties

Yes love, I’m afraid there were some casualties

Some damage along the way

But in the eye, one could find rest

Blue skies with ones she loved the best

And tenderness

The softer heart of one who has known loss

The love you gave

Tried to give

The cards, the cakes, the Christmases

Summers at the beach, salt water taffy gifts

Virginia cabins and grilled cheese

I’ll keep it all with me

I’ll keep it close to me

And as for all the rest

It doesn’t matter now

It’s time to lay these burdens down

So we’ll let it go

Like you let go

And take that easy yoke

And all those hours in-between

Half awake, half asleep

Who dares to say what dreams did come

And who did speak your name

The one who loved you best?

Yes, I believe it was

For as precious as you are to me

More precious to him you will always be

And always, always were

Our love can be so complicated

Life gets messy and low

But in the end we see how simple it always was

Yes Beverly,

In the end we know

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Better than


Beauty , joy, gratitude- can creep in so subtlety
Whisps and tendrils brushing feet and face
Wrapping slowly around
Breathed in until it fills lungs and heart
Squeezing almost painfully
Sharp tenderness
Catching breath
Slow exhale


Or conversely, it slams you square in the solar plexus
Sudden impact                                Filling with more than what could ever be without              Powerful-with the rounded force of a softball launched from the heavens
The soul responds with concavity
Creating a space around the inflection points


However, my favorite, is a combination of the two
A fiery meteor almost frozen in time
I watch it approaching slowly-a tidal wave towards the shore
My feet are frozen in the sand
And I open my arms to this beautiful fury of emotion
The steel blue burn radiates out from where I am pushed in against myself Suffocating beneath the heavy rapture
A slow burn begins and I am torn
This tearing- so akin to grief that my encompassing joy feels like the deepest of sorrows. A sword piercing my heart
As the sobs of joy wrack my body, I understand a bit of The Passion and the ecstasy of Saints.

And for the briefest of moments, I  see that trace of God, like the tail of a comet Beauty so great, so vast, my mind must let it slip away. But I am allowed to keep the memory- an outline of a burning ring of fire I  see the shadow of him all around , all around in everything And even as the great ocean recedes, a longing surges within to be pulled in with it I know one day I will , a happy cast away And that knowledge brings back the joy

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A child’s photograph

I love the kind of pictures little children take. A stuffed animal, half of someone’s face, a stick, or a pillow on their bed. These are their little treasures: an aspect of life as seen through their eyes. These photographs capture the hidden beauty of the everyday objects surrounding and provide comfort to them each day. It is a gallery of a child’s world and I find these seemingly haphazard photos to be most precious and as individual as the child which takes them.

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Ride

It is a rare occurrence that I get to take a ride in my car alone. When I do receive this privilege,  it is always my time to listen to my music. I have a cool folder in the car’s computer that contains my “Favorite ” songs. The list is rather long and contains music of all sorts. The songs evoke a broad spectrum of emotions and memories and it is the most sublime therapy to listen with my window down and the air conditioner ( or heater) on. Unfortunately,  there never seems to be a ride long enough to listen to the full gauntlet of songs. I am always a bit saddened when I pull into my driveway with a song half way through. It somehow feels like a therapy session where I am pouring my heart out when all of a sudden, the therapist takes out his watch and says” Oooo sorry! We are out of time. We’ll have to pick up next session! Toodles!”. Hurtful to say the least.

So though I am not a fan of winter, I am rather grateful that the weather will be cooler soon. I shall take my MP3 player/ portable therapist, and go on very long jogs. When I get to the end of the trail, if I am not yet drained of my emotion and thoughts along with the rest of my body, I can simply take off again down another trail. Letting my mind mimic the forest paths as I twist and turn into shadow and then slip back into brilliant light again. Surrounded by green as I am surrounded by sound and solitude.

Posted in healing, music, Nature, Renewal, therapy, trails | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments